Posts Tagged ‘funny

01
Oct
07

The Top Eleven cartoon monsters ever

For my first post I’ve decided not to go too metaphorical or deep, although you might be surprised at how intense cartoon monsters can get. Given that they’re a staple part of any child’s upbringing, a cartoon can forever bring some sort of mystery and fear to particular things, they teach you morals, what to avoid, who to dodge, what is bad, what is good. Adult cartoons of today have monsters of their own, as I’ll also have a look at, I know everyone who looks at this list will probably have a different opinion on who else should be added, etc, but I’ve based it on my own experience and what I think makes a classic monster.

So, in no particular order!

He-man – Skelator AKA – Evil Lord of Destruction

Skelator

Now, with a pseudonym like ‘Evil Lord of Destruction’ or ‘Jammer E-LOD’ to his pals, you have to be feared, this muscle-bound monstrosity of the cartoon world continually instilled fear into me on a weekly basis when I was a child. His cackling laugh is still pretty fucking frightening as far as I’m concerned, I’ve seen it bring grown men to their knees.

He’s one evil bastard that’s for sure, here’s a few key pointers:
• He’s ripped like a beast, but has no flesh on his skull
• He has a panther as a pet that he rides into battle
• At has his control a huge array of magic powers and abilities
• Has an army of henchmen that he treats like noobs and constantly beats
• Essentially an evil demon from the dimension of Infinita

Classic quote:
“”Kneel before your master! Fool! You are no longer my equal! I am more than man! More than life! I… am… a… GOD!!! Now. You… will… kneeeel! Kneeeel”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skeletor

Inspector Gadget – Dr Claw & Mad Cat AKA – no alias

Dr. Claw

You know what is scary? Mystery, the unknown, not seeing what’s out to get you although you know it’s there, the man without a face, that’s what’s scary, and Dr Claw is just that, a ‘no face’ he is nothing, but everything, he controls armies of death and terror but you never see his face. Dr. Claw and Mad Cat at the MAD headquarters are enough to give anyone a shitfit of death.

Dr. Claw is basically a super evil cult leader that has everything from seemingly unlimited resource to a special training academy for brainwashing and such. As a child it introduces you to the concept of the higher power that good fights against, looking even deeper you could class Inspector Gadget as some sort of Neocon conspricy cartoon that brings us up to hate and fear large organizations that only exist to wreak havoc and have no face. Scary stuff my friend. What would scare me even more if his true face were ever revealed and it were that of a little girl or something, or it was Penny’s twin, or actually that he was just an arm, that really does scare me.

Classic Quote:
“I’ll get you next time, Gadget… NEXT TIME!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Claw
Thundercats – Mumm-ra – AKA The ever-living source of evil AKA Mumm-Ra, the Ever Living

Mumm-ra

Mumm-ra is scary, that’s just fact, his mouth really gets to me, it’s like one massive sharp piece of porcelain, he’s everything that’s wrong with everything put into one place and entity at one time wrapped up with a red cape, given fucking super powers, lives in a pyramid and is basically out to kill everything you love, oh did I mention he’s immortal as well, how about a sprinkling of ‘controlled by evil spirits,’ maybe a touch of invisibility? Well, there you go. Scary.

Classic Quote:
“Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ThunderCats#Mumm-Ra

Futurama – Morbo – No Alias

Morbo

Morbo is a super-brained monster of epic proportions that has pure contempt for humanity and eventually plans to take over Earth. What’s even scarier is that in the future this ‘evil alien’ is the face of news broadcast. The fact that Morbo translates into ‘Morbid Curiosity’ in Spanish quite telling in itself.

I know some of you might disagree, maybe it’s just something to do with my childhood, but Morbo really is a horrible monster in my book, he’s a big green Alien in-charge of presenting the news, he’s friends with Richard Nixon’s head and eats kittens. His form just displeases me, it’s creepy as fuck, and that’s why he made the list.

Classic Quote:
“All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!”

wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_recurring_alien_characters_from_Futurama#Morbo

Transformers – Megatron – AKA a giant Walther P38

Megatron

Where to even start? There’s no flesh here, just metal, big, scary amounts of metal that have intelligence and basically just one to do one thing, kill. With no remorse he is a gigantic robot that has a fusion canon attached to his arm and can level a football fields worth of anything with one blast. He also has an alternative form which is essentially the pistol choice of the Nazi’s during WWII. And he leads an army of other massive robots that can also change into all sorts of super powerful weaponry. As far as I’m concerned you don’t get much more monster-like.

He’s particularly scary because he has a sense of honor about him, he’s the type of swine that would let you pick up a gun before he shot you in the face with his massive gun. Then he’d laugh. A robot that can laugh is scary enough for me, let alone one that wants to kill you with weapons of super deathlike proportions.

And he has no known weaknesses, apart from maybe overconfidence, which doesn’t really make him any less scary. He’s a military dictator that thinks the only solution to the problems that surround him are for him to be in charge and do it right, the fact that he’s a massive gun helps him out with his ambition to be ruler.

Classic Quote:
“That’s because everything I touch is food for my hunger. My hunger for power.”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megatron

The Raccoons – Cyril Sneer – No alias

Cryil Sneer

A business man, a cigar smoking business man purple aardvark that walks on his hind lets has pigs as henchmen and wants to level the most wondrous forest you’ve ever seen for industry and grey. Well if that’s not a monster I don’t know what is. You’re looking for the simplest of terms, those convenient definitions? He’s a beast and wants to ruin everything that is good and right.

Despite having a clear affection for his son, he’s is a horrible tyrant, leader of business and scorner of men. He just looks like those big grease balls you remember as a child whilst you were out at the lumber yard with your dad and he was picking up supplies. He sends shivers down my spine. I hate him. You should to.

Classic Quote:
n/a

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Raccoons

The Visionaries – Darkstorm – AKA a Mollusk

Darkstorm

Everything about The Visionaries is fucked in the head, it’s the epic cartoon that goes so far beyond the pale of reality that it almost loops back on itself into plausibility before it’s worrying levels of insanity take over and the whole thing implodes and takes your brain with it.

Darkstrom is the leader of the Dark Knights and fights the Spectral Knights because, well he’s just a badass. He gets given Totem powers by a wizard called Merklynn, that lives in the Iron Castle, this power allows him to basically decay anything he wants and rejuvenate himself, so he’s probably immortal. He has the sworn loyalty of a small army of knights that also have super powers and will do whatever he says. I just plain don’t like this guy, he’s a dirty bastard, a scoundrel and a villain, you want to punch his face but you know he’ll fuck you up if you do, that sort of bastard, you just cant win, and that’s the scariest thing of all.

Classic Quote:
“By what creeps, what crawls, by what does not, Let all that grows recede and rot!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visionaries:_Knights_of_the_Magical_Light#Darkling_Lords

The Trap Door – The thing upstairs – no alias

Trapdoor

When I was a kid I never really felt any fear of The Think Upstairs, but now I’m absolutely terrified of it, I’m even more scared of the trapdoor itself. In a land that is seemingly only occupied by monsters, there’s a trapdoor which leads to an even scarier place, a place of infinite doom, beyond the pale of reality and thinking, it occupies all space and time. Berk, another big blue monster, pulls other monsters out of this trapdoor, kills them, prepares them as food and then feeds them to a completely unnatural and wrong monster.

There’s an episode when you see, albeit for a split second, what this ‘thing upstairs’ might look like, and if you’ve not seen it, you’re probably better off than I am, tentacles are involved put it that way. It’s another one of those unseen character things that just set your mind off and make you shiver. Not nice, not fun, especially as a child, even more so as an adult. Do not watch trapdoor whilst under the influencer of any drugs.

Classic Quote:

“Berk! Feeed meeee!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Trap_Door

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Shredder – AKA Oroku Saki

Shredder

Ninja’s are pretty scary, their name pretty much stands for silent death. Give one a back story, put him in super bad ass armour, make sure everyone knows he’s basically the best ninja ever, give him super science knowledge so he can build robot bodies for horrible things from other dimensions and then make sure he’s really pissed off, all the fucking time. That’s a good monster right there. Oh yeah, and he commands an army of lesser but still pretty deadly Ninjas.

In the cartoons he’s typically portrayed as a total idiot, but give him time and he can really rile you. Give him the opportunity he had in the comic books, you’ve got a scary bad ass on your hands. He can easily make the list.

Classic Quote:
“You fight well… in the old style. But you’ve caused me enough trouble. Now you face: the Shredder.”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shredder_(TMNT)

M.A.S.K – MILES MAYHEM – AKA no alias

Mile Mayhem

You’ve got a guy called Miles Mayhem, he runs a terrorist organization called The Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem. He double cross his best mate, stole most of his shit and killed his brother. He has two super bad ass vehicles called Switchblade and Outlaw, and has henchmen with names like ‘Cliff Daggar’ and ‘Bruno Shepard’, and of course he has a mask of a Python that makes him very cool and very deadly.

Monsterific if you ask me. Simple as.

Classic Quote:
“Gorey you ignoramus, what if I used my python mask and whipped you?”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.A.S.K.

Southpark – Eric Cartman – AKA Cartman

Cartman

Cartman is a reprehensible, debauched fiend of a boy that will let nothing come in his path to stop him doing what he wants or mocking his friends. He hates Jews and once tried to have them removed from his home down, in-fact he hates pretty much everyone and everything.

His personality traits include great adjectives such as; impatience, greedyness, ignorance, bigotry, sociopath, amongst a few. He killed a boys parents, turned them into chili and in turn fed them to said boy. Whilst remaining as one of the funniest characters of all time, I think that just goes to show how fucked up everything is in general. Cartman is a monster, is fucked in the head, and would probably have me killed for saying so.

Classic Quote
“If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Cartman

And there you have it, my top eleven favorite cartoon monsters of all time. Let me know what you think.

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