The Novel is the Monster

Self exploration is never easy. If you’re open to the idea in the first place, willing to take on and tackle head-first what you believe in, what you think of to be true, your own beliefs and ideals, thoughts and concepts, then I believe you’re a step ahead of a lot of people already. If then you take all of those ideas and belief systems and put them on paper, in an effort to really discover what you are, and potentially further down the line, have some sort of impact, then that’s another step ahead, of a lot of people. A push to better yourself, to self-actualize and commit to something through a process of deep thought, exploration, analysis and discovery. It’s all good stuff, and it brings out sides of your personality you thought you never had.

I know, it’s a situation I’m currently in the middle of, it’s a voyage I am currently undertaking and it’s a twisted beast that’s unrelenting and fascinating at the same time.

From here on in this blog is on permanent hiatus whilst I concentrate on my first novel and attempt to discover more about myself than I ever have.

You can read about the progress of this novel if you are interested at http://www.cementum.co.uk


Three little words

1. Monsters

2. Commentary

3. Insight

Time in this case, is the monster. I’ve let this blog slide for no real reason, time has been the underlying factor, but another major part has been laziness, I thoroughly enjoy writing about monsters so I’m going to take it up again at the beginning of Feb. Thanks to those who has commented, sorry for the lack of content.


Lego is the monster

This may seem like a little bit of a weird one to most people, it’s certainly a light hearted one in comparison to the last entry, but I’ve genuinely thought for some time now that Lego is the monster.

It’s a genuine beast, out in the open it can take almost any form, but it can hide and go unnoticed in your home, it can be art, it can make you laugh, it can shock you and leave you in awe. It can pre-occupy you for days, absorbing all your mental, physical and emotional strength or it can distract you for that vital second. It can be motionless and undetectable or it can have motion, sensors, engines and run wild. It’s a mixture of colour or one solid fill, smooth on one side course on the other, some times it’s rounded and others it’s sharp edges can make your fingers go numb. It can imitate the most serine figures or replicated the most gigantic structures. It can be self replicating and constructing, is recyclable and demands a gigantic, yet miniature in every way, manufacturing process. It can be a moon-base or a dragon. It’s simple, it’s often all consuming, and you love it.

Lego; rarely has there been a better invention, and for all the reasons stated above, it is a genuine beast, a monster. The Brick Brothers are certainly some gents that might agree, running a most excellent blog on the topic, their latest post, to me, really shows why Lego is the monster, it’s simple, to the point and with one of the most awesome quotes related to Lego I’ve ever read.

Lego Hollywoodland

Alex Eylar’s “Old Hollywood” evokes the noir detective movies of the 1950s.”

It’s more than just a toy, it can evoke meaning and context as wide ranging as detective movies from the 1950’s though to modern day sculpture with the likes of Nathan Sawaya’s work, which by the way, is most extra-ordinary.

It’s such an emotive product, the brand and what it can do has so many connotations, from building your first little structure when you’re a child, to helping your children with their first little structure, it’s a product for all ages and for any time anywhere. You can take a few bricks, make a little gift, take a million bricks and build a town. It’s emotional and it inspires. This picture of the giant Lego man that appeared randomly on a beach, the artist Ego Leonard used the product as a promotional tool for a creative art campaign, and how did it inspire, it went viral, encroaching on thousands for just a second and splitting a smile one summer day in August 2007.

I honestly can’t think of any bad, terrible or otherwise ‘un-brilliant’ context or situation for Lego, perhaps that one agonisingly frustrating moment when your hand slips and the fruits of your efforts literally crumble in your hands, but then again when that happens, you get to start all over again!

The brand and product though quite literally encroached on a huge variety of every day circumstances. Lets explore a little bit.

We have Lego ice trays, as demonstrated by the Crave blog.

Thanks to Lego.com for the image

Here we have some Lego furniture in the form of a fully functional, and malleable sofa from Gearfuse.

Some Lego salt and pepper shakers perhaps, from Gizmodo?

Lego jewellery for the exceptionally cool from Uncrate.

Or maybe a Geodesic dome for exhibition perposes, as demonstrated by ZEMI.

Oh and how can we forget the White Stripes – Fell In Love with a Girl music video.

To name but a few instances of it’s existence in our everyday lives. I hope for one day when everything is made from Lego, the Lego Singularity. Perhaps that’s where the hidden agenda lies? Lego has set out on a masterful, dooms day-esque plan of world domination, in which, everything eventually is made from Lego, including new people. Or probably they just want us to be infinitely entertained, inspired, creative, loving, interested and active minds. I’m not sure which one is better.

Lego is the monster.


Celebrity is the monster

I’m not talking about a celebrity here, although I will mention a few by name, I’m talking the concept, the meaning, the mist that comes down and engulfs an otherwise rational human being (or not as the case may be), to turn them into a monster, socially, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Simon Cowel, the celebrity machine

The concept, the definition, the word, how it’s viewed and the connotations, they’ve grown from something misguided, into a terrible beast, a monster. Sometimes there’s a shroud, but once you start to pull at it, de-cloak the concept, from it’s beginnings it has always been the perfect medium to display the grotesque, hedonistic, whores of humanity.

Good old Wikipedia states that a celebrity is a ‘widely-recognized or famous person who commands a high degree of public and media attention.’ The way humanity works often means that, that person is more often than not a terrible wretch. A person shot into the lime light, riddled with problems and seemingly the biggest, most popular, furthest reaching and the most ‘celebrated’ are the ones who can’t cope.

Of course, like everything there are exceptions to the rule, the person who can remain a celebrity, can command lines in a newspaper without being a total skull-fucked leach-head. But we’re not interested in them, and in the true sense of the word, if per month they have 100 lines of copy written about them, in comparison to the drug addled whore who gets 1000 lines of copy a day, who’s the real celebrity there? Who commands a ‘high degree of public and media attention’? The monster, that’s who.

Why? Well who knows, is it something to do with the human psyche? Do we enjoy seeing people fail? The bigger they are the harder they fall, is that enjoyable? For some it is, for some it’s interesting, in fact it is for most. A terrible fact of life is that the most popular newspaper here in the UK is the Sun, a working class tabloid that is more like a comic book, full of ‘celebrities’ almost to the point that any sort of ‘important’ news, concerning politics, economics, etc, is diluted to the point of nil.

So let us have a closer look at this, developing the idea, ‘celebrity’ is a monster for two reasons, it turns people into whores, into some of the most hedonistic, outlandish, spectacle, attention seeking, ruined humans around. Also, it takes away from the mind, it distracts and covers up, and it fills us with an idea, an ideal and vision, propagated by the media a large, and even more so of late, the social media.

Britney Spears is fucked

But it’s a self propagating mechanism, a bastardised Von Neumann probe , the person isn’t necessarily a monster without the media, but the media wouldn’t work without the person, without each other they’re useless, and with each other they’re terrible, they feed of each other, replicate over and over. So who is the real monster, is it Britney Spears? Is it Paris Hilton, Kate Moss, Pete Doherty, Pamela Anderson or any other of these swine? Or is it Perez Hilton, is it the likes of the Sun, or Damnimcute, perhaps it’s the Superficial, or Zack from the Celebrity Style blog?They all have a part to play, the ‘celebrities’ play up to the hype, they believe it and the media keep writing. The most horrible thing is that you, we, the proletariat and even the bourgeois gulp it down without a thought, it’s hoovered up by a vacuum of human dullards and morons, taken in lapped up, the bowl is put down for more, and it’s terrible, it’s dammed and fucked.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, there always is, but I’m not here to explore that, I’m here to explore the concept of the term ‘monster’ and as far as I’m concerned the word ‘celebrity’ is one. It seems to tarnish whatever and whoever it comes into contact with, it takes something away from them and makes them dirty, somehow used and no longer their own person. It pushes a troubled single mum, a habitual drug addict and criminal with unlimited resource like Britney Spears into the eyes of everyone, it accentuates her problem and makes the people who read it dumber. A peddler of this inane content, like Perez Hilton is a tool, he’s a cog in the system, he helps the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor, the dumb, illiterate down and stupid, ill-read, how? Whilst the dim-witted teen sat in front of their computer reads away what a terrible mess some filthy cunt has got themselves into this time, they’re not reading a decent book, they’re not gaining an interest in the politics around them or the terrible situation their personal liberties are in, a shrug of the shoulders is what you’ll get if you ask; do you think Gordon Brown should hold a general election now, how do you feel about Monks being slaughtered in Burma, and it’s a terrible mess, the machine keeps turning out morons.

Beksinki is the face of celebrity

Celebrity is a monster. It’s a beast that works through the minds of humans, quelling ideas and creativity, it’s big and dark, an ethereal cloud that looms, hangs and encroaches into almost every aspect of modernity in the west. There’s no escaping it, its henchmen, minions or subordinates, they’re everywhere, trying to propagate the myth, filling grey matter with ultimately meaningless nonsense that is of no benefit to anybody. It’s one scary shiticane of biblical proportions and if it’s not stopped or battled against the dullards will win and the west will fall. It has no face, and no visible end.

Well, at least, that’s one option. Take care.


The Top Eleven cartoon monsters ever

For my first post I’ve decided not to go too metaphorical or deep, although you might be surprised at how intense cartoon monsters can get. Given that they’re a staple part of any child’s upbringing, a cartoon can forever bring some sort of mystery and fear to particular things, they teach you morals, what to avoid, who to dodge, what is bad, what is good. Adult cartoons of today have monsters of their own, as I’ll also have a look at, I know everyone who looks at this list will probably have a different opinion on who else should be added, etc, but I’ve based it on my own experience and what I think makes a classic monster.

So, in no particular order!

He-man – Skelator AKA – Evil Lord of Destruction


Now, with a pseudonym like ‘Evil Lord of Destruction’ or ‘Jammer E-LOD’ to his pals, you have to be feared, this muscle-bound monstrosity of the cartoon world continually instilled fear into me on a weekly basis when I was a child. His cackling laugh is still pretty fucking frightening as far as I’m concerned, I’ve seen it bring grown men to their knees.

He’s one evil bastard that’s for sure, here’s a few key pointers:
• He’s ripped like a beast, but has no flesh on his skull
• He has a panther as a pet that he rides into battle
• At has his control a huge array of magic powers and abilities
• Has an army of henchmen that he treats like noobs and constantly beats
• Essentially an evil demon from the dimension of Infinita

Classic quote:
“”Kneel before your master! Fool! You are no longer my equal! I am more than man! More than life! I… am… a… GOD!!! Now. You… will… kneeeel! Kneeeel”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skeletor

Inspector Gadget – Dr Claw & Mad Cat AKA – no alias

Dr. Claw

You know what is scary? Mystery, the unknown, not seeing what’s out to get you although you know it’s there, the man without a face, that’s what’s scary, and Dr Claw is just that, a ‘no face’ he is nothing, but everything, he controls armies of death and terror but you never see his face. Dr. Claw and Mad Cat at the MAD headquarters are enough to give anyone a shitfit of death.

Dr. Claw is basically a super evil cult leader that has everything from seemingly unlimited resource to a special training academy for brainwashing and such. As a child it introduces you to the concept of the higher power that good fights against, looking even deeper you could class Inspector Gadget as some sort of Neocon conspricy cartoon that brings us up to hate and fear large organizations that only exist to wreak havoc and have no face. Scary stuff my friend. What would scare me even more if his true face were ever revealed and it were that of a little girl or something, or it was Penny’s twin, or actually that he was just an arm, that really does scare me.

Classic Quote:
“I’ll get you next time, Gadget… NEXT TIME!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Claw
Thundercats – Mumm-ra – AKA The ever-living source of evil AKA Mumm-Ra, the Ever Living


Mumm-ra is scary, that’s just fact, his mouth really gets to me, it’s like one massive sharp piece of porcelain, he’s everything that’s wrong with everything put into one place and entity at one time wrapped up with a red cape, given fucking super powers, lives in a pyramid and is basically out to kill everything you love, oh did I mention he’s immortal as well, how about a sprinkling of ‘controlled by evil spirits,’ maybe a touch of invisibility? Well, there you go. Scary.

Classic Quote:
“Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ThunderCats#Mumm-Ra

Futurama – Morbo – No Alias


Morbo is a super-brained monster of epic proportions that has pure contempt for humanity and eventually plans to take over Earth. What’s even scarier is that in the future this ‘evil alien’ is the face of news broadcast. The fact that Morbo translates into ‘Morbid Curiosity’ in Spanish quite telling in itself.

I know some of you might disagree, maybe it’s just something to do with my childhood, but Morbo really is a horrible monster in my book, he’s a big green Alien in-charge of presenting the news, he’s friends with Richard Nixon’s head and eats kittens. His form just displeases me, it’s creepy as fuck, and that’s why he made the list.

Classic Quote:
“All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!”

wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_recurring_alien_characters_from_Futurama#Morbo

Transformers – Megatron – AKA a giant Walther P38


Where to even start? There’s no flesh here, just metal, big, scary amounts of metal that have intelligence and basically just one to do one thing, kill. With no remorse he is a gigantic robot that has a fusion canon attached to his arm and can level a football fields worth of anything with one blast. He also has an alternative form which is essentially the pistol choice of the Nazi’s during WWII. And he leads an army of other massive robots that can also change into all sorts of super powerful weaponry. As far as I’m concerned you don’t get much more monster-like.

He’s particularly scary because he has a sense of honor about him, he’s the type of swine that would let you pick up a gun before he shot you in the face with his massive gun. Then he’d laugh. A robot that can laugh is scary enough for me, let alone one that wants to kill you with weapons of super deathlike proportions.

And he has no known weaknesses, apart from maybe overconfidence, which doesn’t really make him any less scary. He’s a military dictator that thinks the only solution to the problems that surround him are for him to be in charge and do it right, the fact that he’s a massive gun helps him out with his ambition to be ruler.

Classic Quote:
“That’s because everything I touch is food for my hunger. My hunger for power.”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megatron

The Raccoons – Cyril Sneer – No alias

Cryil Sneer

A business man, a cigar smoking business man purple aardvark that walks on his hind lets has pigs as henchmen and wants to level the most wondrous forest you’ve ever seen for industry and grey. Well if that’s not a monster I don’t know what is. You’re looking for the simplest of terms, those convenient definitions? He’s a beast and wants to ruin everything that is good and right.

Despite having a clear affection for his son, he’s is a horrible tyrant, leader of business and scorner of men. He just looks like those big grease balls you remember as a child whilst you were out at the lumber yard with your dad and he was picking up supplies. He sends shivers down my spine. I hate him. You should to.

Classic Quote:

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Raccoons

The Visionaries – Darkstorm – AKA a Mollusk


Everything about The Visionaries is fucked in the head, it’s the epic cartoon that goes so far beyond the pale of reality that it almost loops back on itself into plausibility before it’s worrying levels of insanity take over and the whole thing implodes and takes your brain with it.

Darkstrom is the leader of the Dark Knights and fights the Spectral Knights because, well he’s just a badass. He gets given Totem powers by a wizard called Merklynn, that lives in the Iron Castle, this power allows him to basically decay anything he wants and rejuvenate himself, so he’s probably immortal. He has the sworn loyalty of a small army of knights that also have super powers and will do whatever he says. I just plain don’t like this guy, he’s a dirty bastard, a scoundrel and a villain, you want to punch his face but you know he’ll fuck you up if you do, that sort of bastard, you just cant win, and that’s the scariest thing of all.

Classic Quote:
“By what creeps, what crawls, by what does not, Let all that grows recede and rot!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visionaries:_Knights_of_the_Magical_Light#Darkling_Lords

The Trap Door – The thing upstairs – no alias


When I was a kid I never really felt any fear of The Think Upstairs, but now I’m absolutely terrified of it, I’m even more scared of the trapdoor itself. In a land that is seemingly only occupied by monsters, there’s a trapdoor which leads to an even scarier place, a place of infinite doom, beyond the pale of reality and thinking, it occupies all space and time. Berk, another big blue monster, pulls other monsters out of this trapdoor, kills them, prepares them as food and then feeds them to a completely unnatural and wrong monster.

There’s an episode when you see, albeit for a split second, what this ‘thing upstairs’ might look like, and if you’ve not seen it, you’re probably better off than I am, tentacles are involved put it that way. It’s another one of those unseen character things that just set your mind off and make you shiver. Not nice, not fun, especially as a child, even more so as an adult. Do not watch trapdoor whilst under the influencer of any drugs.

Classic Quote:

“Berk! Feeed meeee!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Trap_Door

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Shredder – AKA Oroku Saki


Ninja’s are pretty scary, their name pretty much stands for silent death. Give one a back story, put him in super bad ass armour, make sure everyone knows he’s basically the best ninja ever, give him super science knowledge so he can build robot bodies for horrible things from other dimensions and then make sure he’s really pissed off, all the fucking time. That’s a good monster right there. Oh yeah, and he commands an army of lesser but still pretty deadly Ninjas.

In the cartoons he’s typically portrayed as a total idiot, but give him time and he can really rile you. Give him the opportunity he had in the comic books, you’ve got a scary bad ass on your hands. He can easily make the list.

Classic Quote:
“You fight well… in the old style. But you’ve caused me enough trouble. Now you face: the Shredder.”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shredder_(TMNT)

M.A.S.K – MILES MAYHEM – AKA no alias

Mile Mayhem

You’ve got a guy called Miles Mayhem, he runs a terrorist organization called The Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem. He double cross his best mate, stole most of his shit and killed his brother. He has two super bad ass vehicles called Switchblade and Outlaw, and has henchmen with names like ‘Cliff Daggar’ and ‘Bruno Shepard’, and of course he has a mask of a Python that makes him very cool and very deadly.

Monsterific if you ask me. Simple as.

Classic Quote:
“Gorey you ignoramus, what if I used my python mask and whipped you?”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.A.S.K.

Southpark – Eric Cartman – AKA Cartman


Cartman is a reprehensible, debauched fiend of a boy that will let nothing come in his path to stop him doing what he wants or mocking his friends. He hates Jews and once tried to have them removed from his home down, in-fact he hates pretty much everyone and everything.

His personality traits include great adjectives such as; impatience, greedyness, ignorance, bigotry, sociopath, amongst a few. He killed a boys parents, turned them into chili and in turn fed them to said boy. Whilst remaining as one of the funniest characters of all time, I think that just goes to show how fucked up everything is in general. Cartman is a monster, is fucked in the head, and would probably have me killed for saying so.

Classic Quote
“If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!”

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Cartman

And there you have it, my top eleven favorite cartoon monsters of all time. Let me know what you think.


Monsters, Monsters, everywhere

Welcome to my blog, exploring the concept of ‘The Monster,’ from traditional to conceptual, through to futuristic and metaphorical. The bizarre, the rare, the modern, the killer and the hero, everyday, everywhere, we meet them, we cross them, they hide in the shadows, they’re right in front of our eyes, they control us and dictate to us.

Zdzislaw Beksinski

They make us laugh, they make us cry, sometimes we play with them, other times they play with us. It could be staring you in the face and you would never notice, or you will be terrified beyond rational thought. They are here, they have been since the start of time, and whilst humanity has a single drop of imagination left in its hive of emotion and being, they will always be here.

If you know a monster, let me know about them, I will explore them.